Speeches (Lines) for Falstaff in "History of Henry IV, Part II"

Earl of Northumberland. I knew of this before; but, to speak truth,
This present grief had wip'd it from my mind.
Go in with me; and counsel every man
The aptest way for safety and revenge.
Get posts and letters, and make friends with speed--
Never so few, and never yet more need. Exeunt

Falstaff. Sirrah, you giant, what says the doctor to my water?

Page. He said, sir, the water itself was a good healthy water;
for the party that owed it, he might have moe diseases than
knew for.

Falstaff. Men of all sorts take a pride to gird at me. The
this foolish-compounded clay, man, is not able to invent
that intends to laughter, more than I invent or is invented
me. I am not only witty in myself, but the cause that wit is
other men. I do here walk before thee like a sow that hath
overwhelm'd all her litter but one. If the Prince put thee
my service for any other reason than to set me off, why then
have no judgment. Thou whoreson mandrake, thou art fitter to
worn in my cap than to wait at my heels. I was never mann'd
an agate till now; but I will inset you neither in gold nor
silver, but in vile apparel, and send you back again to your
master, for a jewel--the juvenal, the Prince your master,
chin is not yet fledge. I will sooner have a beard grow in
palm of my hand than he shall get one off his cheek; and yet
will not stick to say his face is a face-royal. God may
when he will, 'tis not a hair amiss yet. He may keep it still
a face-royal, for a barber shall never earn sixpence out of
and yet he'll be crowing as if he had writ man ever since his
father was a bachelor. He may keep his own grace, but he's
out of mine, I can assure him. What said Master Dommelton
the satin for my short cloak and my slops?

Page. He said, sir, you should procure him better assurance
Bardolph. He would not take his band and yours; he liked not
security.

Falstaff. Let him be damn'd, like the Glutton; pray God his
be hotter! A whoreson Achitophel! A rascal-yea-forsooth
bear a gentleman in hand, and then stand upon security! The
whoreson smooth-pates do now wear nothing but high shoes, and
bunches of keys at their girdles; and if a man is through
them in honest taking-up, then they must stand upon security.
had as lief they would put ratsbane in my mouth as offer to
it with security. I look'd 'a should have sent me two and
yards of satin, as I am a true knight, and he sends me
Well, he may sleep in security; for he hath the horn of
abundance, and the lightness of his wife shines through it;
yet cannot he see, though he have his own lanthorn to light
Where's Bardolph?

Page. He's gone into Smithfield to buy your worship horse.

Falstaff. I bought him in Paul's, and he'll buy me a horse in
Smithfield. An I could get me but a wife in the stews, I were
mann'd, hors'd, and wiv'd.

Page. Sir, here comes the nobleman that committed the
Prince for striking him about Bardolph.

Falstaff. Wait close; I will not see him.

Servant. Sir John Falstaff!

Falstaff. Boy, tell him I am deaf.

Servant. Sir John!

Falstaff. What! a young knave, and begging! Is there not wars?
there not employment? Doth not the King lack subjects? Do not
rebels need soldiers? Though it be a shame to be on any side
one, it is worse shame to beg than to be on the worst side,
it worse than the name of rebellion can tell how to make it.

Servant. You mistake me, sir.

Falstaff. Why, sir, did I say you were an honest man? Setting
knighthood and my soldiership aside, I had lied in my throat
had said so.

Servant. I pray you, sir, then set your knighthood and your
soldiership aside; and give me leave to tell you you in your
throat, if you say I am any other than an honest man.

Falstaff. I give thee leave to tell me so! I lay aside that
grows to me! If thou get'st any leave of me, hang me; if thou
tak'st leave, thou wert better be hang'd. You hunt counter.
Hence! Avaunt!

Lord Chief Justice. Sir John Falstaff, a word with you.

Falstaff. My good lord! God give your lordship good time of
am glad to see your lordship abroad. I heard say your
was sick; I hope your lordship goes abroad by advice. Your
lordship, though not clean past your youth, hath yet some
of age in you, some relish of the saltness of time; and I
humbly beseech your lordship to have a reverend care of your
health.

Lord Chief Justice. Sir John, I sent for you before your expedition
Shrewsbury.

Falstaff. An't please your lordship, I hear his Majesty is
with some discomfort from Wales.

Lord Chief Justice. I talk not of his Majesty. You would not come
sent for you.

Falstaff. And I hear, moreover, his Highness is fall'n into
same whoreson apoplexy.

Lord Chief Justice. Well God mend him! I pray you let me speak with

Falstaff. This apoplexy, as I take it, is a kind of lethargy,
please your lordship, a kind of sleeping in the blood, a
tingling.

Lord Chief Justice. What tell you me of it? Be it as it is.

Falstaff. It hath it original from much grief, from study, and
perturbation of the brain. I have read the cause of his
in Galen; it is a kind of deafness.

Lord Chief Justice. I think you are fall'n into the disease, for you
hear not what I say to you.

Falstaff. Very well, my lord, very well. Rather an't please
is the disease of not listening, the malady of not marking,
I am troubled withal.

Lord Chief Justice. To punish you by the heels would amend the
of your ears; and I care not if I do become your physician.

Falstaff. I am as poor as Job, my lord, but not so patient.
lordship may minister the potion of imprisonment to me in
of poverty; but how I should be your patient to follow your
prescriptions, the wise may make some dram of a scruple, or
indeed a scruple itself.

Lord Chief Justice. I sent for you, when there were matters against
for your life, to come speak with me.

Falstaff. As I was then advis'd by my learned counsel in the
of this land-service, I did not come.

Lord Chief Justice. Well, the truth is, Sir John, you live in great
infamy.

Falstaff. He that buckles himself in my belt cannot live in

Lord Chief Justice. Your means are very slender, and your waste is
great.

Falstaff. I would it were otherwise; I would my means were
and my waist slenderer.

Lord Chief Justice. You have misled the youthful Prince.

Falstaff. The young Prince hath misled me. I am the fellow with
great belly, and he my dog.

Lord Chief Justice. Well, I am loath to gall a new-heal'd wound.
day's service at Shrewsbury hath a little gilded over your
night's exploit on Gadshill. You may thank th' unquiet time
your quiet o'erposting that action.

Falstaff. My lord--

Lord Chief Justice. But since all is well, keep it so: wake not a
sleeping wolf.

Falstaff. To wake a wolf is as bad as smell a fox.

Lord Chief Justice. What! you are as a candle, the better part burnt
out.

Falstaff. A wassail candle, my lord--all tallow; if I did say
wax, my growth would approve the truth.

Lord Chief Justice. There is not a white hair in your face but
have his effect of gravity.

Falstaff. His effect of gravy, gravy,

Lord Chief Justice. You follow the young Prince up and down, like
ill angel.

Falstaff. Not so, my lord. Your ill angel is light; but hope
that looks upon me will take me without weighing. And yet in
respects, I grant, I cannot go--I cannot tell. Virtue is of
little regard in these costermongers' times that true valour
turn'd berod; pregnancy is made a tapster, and his quick wit
wasted in giving reckonings; all the other gifts appertinent
man, as the malice of this age shapes them, are not worth a
gooseberry. You that are old consider not the capacities of
that are young; you do measure the heat of our livers with
bitterness of your galls; and we that are in the vaward of
youth, must confess, are wags too.

Lord Chief Justice. Do you set down your name in the scroll of
that are written down old with all the characters of age?
you not a moist eye, a dry hand, a yellow cheek, a white
decreasing leg, an increasing belly? Is not your voice
your wind short, your chin double, your wit single, and every
part about you blasted with antiquity? And will you yet call
yourself young? Fie, fie, fie, Sir John!

Falstaff. My lord, I was born about three of the clock in the
afternoon, with a white head and something a round belly. For
voice--I have lost it with hallooing and singing of anthems.
approve my youth further, I will not. The truth is, I am only
in judgment and understanding; and he that will caper with me
a thousand marks, let him lend me the money, and have at him.
the box of the ear that the Prince gave you--he gave it like
rude prince, and you took it like a sensible lord. I have
him for it; and the young lion repents--marry, not in ashes
sackcloth, but in new silk and old sack.

Lord Chief Justice. Well, God send the Prince a better companion!

Falstaff. God send the companion a better prince! I cannot rid
hands of him.

Lord Chief Justice. Well, the King hath sever'd you. I hear you are
going with Lord John of Lancaster against the Archbishop and
Earl of Northumberland.

Falstaff. Yea; I thank your pretty sweet wit for it. But look
pray, all you that kiss my Lady Peace at home, that our
join not in a hot day; for, by the Lord, I take but two
out with me, and I mean not to sweat extraordinarily. If it
hot day, and I brandish anything but a bottle, I would I
never spit white again. There is not a dangerous action can
out his head but I am thrust upon it. Well, I cannot last
but it was alway yet the trick of our English nation, if they
have a good thing, to make it too common. If ye will needs
am an old man, you should give me rest. I would to God my
were not so terrible to the enemy as it is. I were better to
eaten to death with a rust than to be scoured to nothing with
perpetual motion.

Lord Chief Justice. Well, be honest, be honest; and God bless your
expedition!

Falstaff. Will your lordship lend me a thousand pound to
forth?

Lord Chief Justice. Not a penny, not a penny; you are too impatient
bear crosses. Fare you well. Commend me to my cousin
Westmoreland.

Falstaff. If I do, fillip me with a three-man beetle. A man can
more separate age and covetousness than 'a can part young
and lechery; but the gout galls the one, and the pox pinches
other; and so both the degrees prevent my curses. Boy!

Page. Sir?

Falstaff. What money is in my purse?

Page. Seven groats and two pence.

Falstaff. I can get no remedy against this consumption of the
purse; borrowing only lingers and lingers it out, but the
is incurable. Go bear this letter to my Lord of Lancaster;
to the Prince; this to the Earl of Westmoreland; and this to
Mistress Ursula, whom I have weekly sworn to marry since I
perceiv'd the first white hair of my chin. About it; you know
where to find me. [Exit PAGE] A pox of this gout! or, a
this pox! for the one or the other plays the rogue with my
toe. 'Tis no matter if I do halt; I have the wars for my
and my pension shall seem the more reasonable. A good wit
make use of anything. I will turn diseases to commodity.

Mistress Quickly. I am undone by his going; I warrant you, he's an
infinitive thing upon my score. Good Master Fang, hold him
Good Master Snare, let him not scape. 'A comes continuantly
Pie-corner--saving your manhoods--to buy a saddle; and he is
indited to dinner to the Lubber's Head in Lumbert Street, to
Master Smooth's the silkman. I pray you, since my exion is
ent'red, and my case so openly known to the world, let him be
brought in to his answer. A hundred mark is a long one for a
lone woman to bear; and I have borne, and borne, and borne;
have been fubb'd off, and fubb'd off, and fubb'd off, from
day to that day, that it is a shame to be thought on. There
honesty in such dealing; unless a woman should be made an ass
a beast, to bear every knave's wrong.
[Enter SIR JOHN FALSTAFF, PAGE, and BARDOLPH]
Yonder he comes; and that arrant malmsey-nose knave,
with him. Do your offices, do your offices, Master Fang and
Master Snare; do me, do me, do me your offices.

Falstaff. How now! whose mare's dead? What's the matter?

Fang. Sir John, I arrest you at the suit of Mistress Quickly.

Falstaff. Away, varlets! Draw, Bardolph. Cut me off the
head. Throw the quean in the channel.

Mistress Quickly. Throw me in the channel! I'll throw thee in the
Wilt thou? wilt thou? thou bastardly rogue! Murder, murder!
thou honeysuckle villain! wilt thou kill God's officers and
King's? Ah, thou honey-seed rogue! thou art a honey-seed; a
man-queller and a woman-queller.

Falstaff. Keep them off, Bardolph.

Mistress Quickly. It is more than for some, my lord; it is for all--all
have. He hath eaten me out of house and home; he hath put all
substance into that fat belly of his. But I will have some of
out again, or I will ride thee a nights like a mare.

Falstaff. I think I am as like to ride the mare, if I have any
vantage of ground to get up.

Lord Chief Justice. How comes this, Sir John? Fie! What man of good
temper would endure this tempest of exclamation? Are you not
ashamed to enforce a poor widow to so rough a course to come
her own?

Falstaff. What is the gross sum that I owe thee?

Mistress Quickly. Marry, if thou wert an honest man, thyself and the
too. Thou didst swear to me upon a parcel-gilt goblet,
my Dolphin chamber, at the round table, by a sea-coal fire,
Wednesday in Wheeson week, when the Prince broke thy head for
liking his father to singing-man of Windsor--thou didst swear
me then, as I was washing thy wound, to marry me and make me
lady thy wife. Canst thou deny it? Did not goodwife Keech,
butcher's wife, come in then and call me gossip Quickly?
in to borrow a mess of vinegar, telling us she had a good
prawns, whereby thou didst desire to eat some, whereby I told
thee they were ill for green wound? And didst thou not, when
was gone down stairs, desire me to be no more so familiarity
such poor people, saying that ere long they should call me
And didst thou not kiss me, and bid me fetch the thirty
shillings? I put thee now to thy book-oath. Deny it, if thou
canst.

Falstaff. My lord, this is a poor mad soul, and she says up and
down the town that her eldest son is like you. She hath been
good case, and, the truth is, poverty hath distracted her.
for these foolish officers, I beseech you I may have redress
against them.

Lord Chief Justice. Pray thee, peace. Pay her the debt you owe her,
unpay the villainy you have done with her; the one you may do
with sterling money, and the other with current repentance.

Falstaff. My lord, I will not undergo this sneap without reply.
call honourable boldness impudent sauciness; if a man will
curtsy and say nothing, he is virtuous. No, my lord, my
duty rememb'red, I will not be your suitor. I say to you I do
desire deliverance from these officers, being upon hasty
employment in the King's affairs.

Lord Chief Justice. You speak as having power to do wrong; but
th' effect of your reputation, and satisfy the poor woman.

Falstaff. Come hither, hostess.

Gower. The King, my lord, and Harry Prince of Wales
Are near at hand. The rest the paper tells. [Gives a letter]

Falstaff. As I am a gentleman!

Mistress Quickly. Faith, you said so before.

Falstaff. As I am a gentleman! Come, no more words of it.

Mistress Quickly. By this heavenly ground I tread on, I must be fain to
both my plate and the tapestry of my dining-chambers.

Falstaff. Glasses, glasses, is the only drinking; and for thy
walls, a pretty slight drollery, or the story of the
the German hunting, in water-work, is worth a thousand of
bed-hangers and these fly-bitten tapestries. Let it be ten
if thou canst. Come, and 'twere not for thy humours, there's
a better wench in England. Go, wash thy face, and draw the
action. Come, thou must not be in this humour with me; dost
know me? Come, come, I know thou wast set on to this.

Mistress Quickly. Pray thee, Sir John, let it be but twenty nobles;
i' faith, I am loath to pawn my plate, so God save me, la!

Falstaff. Let it alone; I'll make other shift. You'll be a fool
still.

Mistress Quickly. Well, you shall have it, though I pawn my gown.
I hope you'll come to supper. you'll pay me all together?

Falstaff. Will I live? [To BARDOLPH] Go, with her, with her;
on, hook on.

Mistress Quickly. Will you have Doll Tearsheet meet you at supper?

Falstaff. No more words; let's have her.

Lord Chief Justice. I have heard better news.

Falstaff. What's the news, my lord?

Gower. At Basingstoke, my lord.

Falstaff. I hope, my lord, all's well. What is the news, my

Gower. No; fifteen hundred foot, five hundred horse,
Are march'd up to my Lord of Lancaster,
Against Northumberland and the Archbishop.

Falstaff. Comes the King back from Wales, my noble lord?

Lord Chief Justice. You shall have letters of me presently.
Come, go along with me, good Master Gower.

Falstaff. My lord!

Lord Chief Justice. What's the matter?

Falstaff. Master Gower, shall I entreat you with me to dinner?

Lord Chief Justice. Sir John, you loiter here too long, being you
take soldiers up in counties as you go.

Falstaff. Will you sup with me, Master Gower?

Lord Chief Justice. What foolish master taught you these manners,
John?

Falstaff. Master Gower, if they become me not, he was a fool
taught them me. This is the right fencing grace, my lord; tap
tap, and so part fair.

Mistress Quickly. Why, that's well said; a good heart's worth gold.
Lo, here comes Sir John.

Falstaff. [Singing] 'When Arthur first in court'--Empty the
Jordan. [Exit FRANCIS]--[Singing] 'And was a worthy king'--
now, Mistress Doll!

Mistress Quickly. Sick of a calm; yea, good faith.

Falstaff. So is all her sect; and they be once in a calm, they
sick.

Doll Tearsheet. A pox damn you, you muddy rascal! Is that all the comfort
give me?

Falstaff. You make fat rascals, Mistress Doll.

Doll Tearsheet. I make them! Gluttony and diseases make them: I make them
not.

Falstaff. If the cook help to make the gluttony, you help to
the diseases, Doll. We catch of you, Doll, we catch of you;
that, my poor virtue, grant that.

Doll Tearsheet. Yea, joy, our chains and our jewels.

Falstaff. 'Your brooches, pearls, and ouches.' For to serve
is to come halting off; you know, to come off the breach with
pike bent bravely, and to surgery bravely; to venture upon
charg'd chambers bravely--

Mistress Quickly. If he swagger, let him not come here. No, by my faith!
must live among my neighbours; I'll no swaggerers. I am in
name and fame with the very best. Shut the door. There comes
swaggerers here; I have not liv'd all this while to have
swaggering now. Shut the door, I pray you.

Falstaff. Dost thou hear, hostess?

Mistress Quickly. Pray ye, pacify yourself, Sir John; there comes no
swaggerers here.

Falstaff. Dost thou hear? It is mine ancient.

Mistress Quickly. Tilly-fally, Sir John, ne'er tell me; and your ancient
swagg'rer comes not in my doors. I was before Master Tisick,
debuty, t' other day; and, as he said to me--'twas no longer
than Wednesday last, i' good faith!--'Neighbour Quickly,'
he--Master Dumbe, our minister, was by then--'Neighbour
says he 'receive those that are civil, for' said he 'you are
an ill name.' Now 'a said so, I can tell whereupon. 'For'
'you are an honest woman and well thought on, therefore take
what guests you receive. Receive' says he 'no swaggering
companions.' There comes none here. You would bless you to
what he said. No, I'll no swagg'rers.

Falstaff. He's no swagg'rer, hostess; a tame cheater, i' faith;
may stroke him as gently as a puppy greyhound. He'll not
with a Barbary hen, if her feathers turn back in any show of
resistance. Call him up, drawer.

Pistol. God save you, Sir John!

Falstaff. Welcome, Ancient Pistol. Here, Pistol, I charge you
a cup of sack; do you discharge upon mine hostess.

Pistol. I will discharge upon her, Sir John, with two bullets.

Falstaff. She is pistol-proof, sir; you shall not hardly offend
her.

Pistol. God let me not live but I will murder your ruff for

Falstaff. No more, Pistol; I would not have you go off here.
Discharge yourself of our company, Pistol.

Bardolph. Pray thee go down, good ancient.

Falstaff. Hark thee hither, Mistress Doll.

Pistol. Then feed and be fat, my fair Calipolis.
Come, give's some sack.
'Si fortune me tormente sperato me contento.'
Fear we broadsides? No, let the fiend give fire.
Give me some sack; and, sweetheart, lie thou there.
[Laying down his sword]
Come we to full points here, and are etceteras nothings?

Falstaff. Pistol, I would be quiet.

Pistol. Thrust him down stairs! Know we not Galloway nags?

Falstaff. Quoit him down, Bardolph, like a shove-groat
Nay, an 'a do nothing but speak nothing, 'a shall be nothing
here.

Mistress Quickly. Here's goodly stuff toward!

Falstaff. Give me my rapier, boy.

Doll Tearsheet. I pray thee, Jack, I pray thee, do not draw.

Falstaff. Get you down stairs.

Mistress Quickly. Are you not hurt i' th' groin? Methought 'a made a
thrust at your belly.

Falstaff. Have you turn'd him out a doors?

Bardolph. Yea, sir. The rascal's drunk. You have hurt him, sir,
th' shoulder.

Falstaff. A rascal! to brave me!

Doll Tearsheet. Ah, you sweet little rogue, you! Alas, poor ape, how thou
sweat'st! Come, let me wipe thy face. Come on, you whoreson
chops. Ah, rogue! i' faith, I love thee. Thou art as valorous
Hector of Troy, worth five of Agamemnon, and ten times better
than the Nine Worthies. Ah, villain!

Falstaff. A rascally slave! I will toss the rogue in a blanket.

Page. The music is come, sir.

Falstaff. Let them play. Play, sirs. Sit on my knee, Don. A
bragging slave! The rogue fled from me like quick-silver.

Doll Tearsheet. I' faith, and thou follow'dst him like a church. Thou
whoreson little tidy Bartholomew boar-pig, when wilt thou
fighting a days and foining a nights, and begin to patch up
old body for heaven?
Enter, behind, PRINCE HENRY and POINS disguised as drawers

Falstaff. Peace, good Doll! Do not speak like a death's-head;
not bid me remember mine end.

Doll Tearsheet. Sirrah, what humour's the Prince of?

Falstaff. A good shallow young fellow. 'A would have made a
pantler; 'a would ha' chipp'd bread well.

Doll Tearsheet. They say Poins has a good wit.

Falstaff. He a good wit! hang him, baboon! His wit's as thick
Tewksbury mustard; there's no more conceit in him than is in
mallet.

Doll Tearsheet. Why does the Prince love him so, then?

Falstaff. Because their legs are both of a bigness, and 'a
quoits well, and eats conger and fennel, and drinks off
ends for flap-dragons, and rides the wild mare with the boys,
jumps upon join'd-stools, and swears with a good grace, and
his boots very smooth, like unto the sign of the Leg, and
no bate with telling of discreet stories; and such other
faculties 'a has, that show a weak mind and an able body, for
which the Prince admits him. For the Prince himself is such
another; the weight of a hair will turn the scales between
avoirdupois.

Edward Poins. Is it not strange that desire should so many years
performance?

Falstaff. Kiss me, Doll.

Edward Poins. And look whether the fiery Trigon, his man, be not
to his master's old tables, his note-book, his

Falstaff. Thou dost give me flattering busses.

Doll Tearsheet. By my troth, I kiss thee with a most constant heart.

Falstaff. I am old, I am old.

Doll Tearsheet. I love thee better than I love e'er a scurvy young boy of
them all.

Falstaff. What stuff wilt have a kirtle of? I shall receive
Thursday. Shalt have a cap to-morrow. A merry song, come. 'A
grows late; we'll to bed. Thou't forget me when I am gone.

Doll Tearsheet. By my troth, thou't set me a-weeping, an thou say'st so.
Prove that ever I dress myself handsome till thy return.
hearken a' th' end.

Falstaff. Some sack, Francis.

Henry V. [with POINS:] Anon, anon, sir. [Advancing]

Falstaff. Ha! a bastard son of the King's? And art thou not
his brother?

Henry V. Why, thou globe of sinful continents, what a life dost
lead!

Falstaff. A better than thou. I am a gentleman: thou art a

Mistress Quickly. O, the Lord preserve thy Grace! By my troth, welcome
London. Now the Lord bless that sweet face of thine. O Jesu, are you come from Wales?

Falstaff. Thou whoreson mad compound of majesty, by this light
flesh and corrupt blood, thou art welcome.

Mistress Quickly. God's blessing of your good heart! and so she is, by
troth.

Falstaff. Didst thou hear me?

Henry V. Yea; and you knew me, as you did when you ran away by
Gadshill. You knew I was at your back, and spoke it on
try my patience.

Falstaff. No, no, no; not so; I did not think thou wast within
hearing.

Henry V. I shall drive you then to confess the wilful abuse, and
then I know how to handle you.

Falstaff. No abuse, Hal, o' mine honour; no abuse.

Henry V. Not to dispraise me, and call me pander, and
bread-chipper, and I know not what!

Falstaff. No abuse, Hal.

Edward Poins. No abuse!

Falstaff. No abuse, Ned, i' th' world; honest Ned, none. I
disprais'd him before the wicked--that the wicked might not
in love with thee; in which doing, I have done the part of a
careful friend and a true subject; and thy father is to give
thanks for it. No abuse, Hal; none, Ned, none; no, faith,
none.

Edward Poins. Answer, thou dead elm, answer.

Falstaff. The fiend hath prick'd down Bardolph irrecoverable;
his face is Lucifer's privy-kitchen, where he doth nothing
roast malt-worms. For the boy--there is a good angel about
but the devil outbids him too.

Henry V. For the women?

Falstaff. For one of them--she's in hell already, and burns
souls. For th' other--I owe her money; and whether she be
for that, I know not.

Mistress Quickly. No, I warrant you.

Falstaff. No, I think thou art not; I think thou art quit for
Marry, there is another indictment upon thee for suffering
to be eaten in thy house, contrary to the law; for the which
think thou wilt howl.

Doll Tearsheet. What says your Grace?

Falstaff. His Grace says that which his flesh rebels against.

Henry V. By heaven, Poins, I feel me much to blame
So idly to profane the precious time,
When tempest of commotion, like the south,
Borne with black vapour, doth begin to melt
And drop upon our bare unarmed heads.
Give me my sword and cloak. Falstaff, good night.

Falstaff. Now comes in the sweetest morsel of the night, and we
must hence, and leave it unpick'd. [Knocking within] More
knocking at the door!
[Re-enter BARDOLPH]
How now! What's the matter?

Bardolph. You must away to court, sir, presently;
A dozen captains stay at door for you.

Falstaff. [To the PAGE]. Pay the musicians, sirrah.--Farewell,
hostess; farewell, Doll. You see, my good wenches, how men of
merit are sought after; the undeserver may sleep, when the
action is call'd on. Farewell, good wenches. If I be not sent
away post, I will see you again ere I go.

Doll Tearsheet. I cannot speak. If my heart be not ready to burst!
Well, sweet Jack, have a care of thyself.

Falstaff. Farewell, farewell.

Robert Shallow. It is very just. Look, here comes good Sir John. Give
your good hand, give me your worship's good hand. By my
you like well and bear your years very well. Welcome, good
John.

Falstaff. I am glad to see you well, good Master Robert
Master Surecard, as I think?

Robert Shallow. No, Sir John; it is my cousin Silence, in commission with me.

Falstaff. Good Master Silence, it well befits you should be of
peace.

Silence. Your good worship is welcome.

Falstaff. Fie! this is hot weather. Gentlemen, have you
here half a dozen sufficient men?

Robert Shallow. Marry, have we, sir. Will you sit?

Falstaff. Let me see them, I beseech you.

Robert Shallow. What think you, Sir John? A good-limb'd fellow; young,
strong, and of good friends.

Falstaff. Is thy name Mouldy?

Ralph Mouldy. Yea, an't please you.

Falstaff. 'Tis the more time thou wert us'd.

Robert Shallow. Ha, ha, ha! most excellent, i' faith! Things that are
mouldy lack use. Very singular good! In faith, well said, Sir
John; very well said.

Falstaff. Prick him.

Ralph Mouldy. I was prick'd well enough before, an you could have let
alone. My old dame will be undone now for one to do her
and her drudgery. You need not to have prick'd me; there are
other men fitter to go out than I.

Falstaff. Go to; peace, Mouldy; you shall go. Mouldy, it is
you were spent.

Robert Shallow. Peace, fellow, peace; stand aside; know you where you
For th' other, Sir John--let me see. Simon Shadow!

Falstaff. Yea, marry, let me have him to sit under. He's like
a cold soldier.

Simon Shadow. Here, sir.

Falstaff. Shadow, whose son art thou?

Simon Shadow. My mother's son, sir.

Falstaff. Thy mother's son! Like enough; and thy father's
So the son of the female is the shadow of the male. It is
so indeed; but much of the father's substance!

Robert Shallow. Do you like him, Sir John?

Falstaff. Shadow will serve for summer. Prick him; for we have
number of shadows fill up the muster-book.

Robert Shallow. Thomas Wart!

Falstaff. Where's he?

Thomas Wart. Here, sir.

Falstaff. Is thy name Wart?

Thomas Wart. Yea, sir.

Falstaff. Thou art a very ragged wart.

Robert Shallow. Shall I prick him, Sir John?

Falstaff. It were superfluous; for his apparel is built upon
back, and the whole frame stands upon pins. Prick him no

Francis Feeble. Here, sir.

Falstaff. What trade art thou, Feeble?

Robert Shallow. Shall I prick him, sir?

Falstaff. You may; but if he had been a man's tailor, he'd ha'
prick'd you. Wilt thou make as many holes in an enemy's
thou hast done in a woman's petticoat?

Francis Feeble. I will do my good will, sir; you can have no more.

Falstaff. Well said, good woman's tailor! well said, courageous
Feeble! Thou wilt be as valiant as the wrathful dove or most
magnanimous mouse. Prick the woman's tailor--well, Master
Shallow, deep, Master Shallow.

Francis Feeble. I would Wart might have gone, sir.

Falstaff. I would thou wert a man's tailor, that thou mightst
him and make him fit to go. I cannot put him to a private
soldier, that is the leader of so many thousands. Let that
suffice, most forcible Feeble.

Francis Feeble. It shall suffice, sir.

Falstaff. I am bound to thee, reverend Feeble. Who is next?

Robert Shallow. Peter Bullcalf o' th' green!

Falstaff. Yea, marry, let's see Bullcalf.

Peter Bullcalf. Here, sir.

Falstaff. Fore God, a likely fellow! Come, prick me Bullcalf
he roar again.

Peter Bullcalf. O Lord! good my lord captain-

Falstaff. What, dost thou roar before thou art prick'd?

Peter Bullcalf. O Lord, sir! I am a diseased man.

Falstaff. What disease hast thou?

Peter Bullcalf. A whoreson cold, sir, a cough, sir, which I caught
ringing in the King's affairs upon his coronation day, sir.

Falstaff. Come, thou shalt go to the wars in a gown. We will
away thy cold; and I will take such order that thy friends
ring for thee. Is here all?

Robert Shallow. Here is two more call'd than your number. You must
but four here, sir; and so, I pray you, go in with me to

Falstaff. Come, I will go drink with you, but I cannot tarry
dinner. I am glad to see you, by my troth, Master Shallow.

Robert Shallow. O, Sir John, do you remember since we lay all night in
windmill in Saint George's Field?

Falstaff. No more of that, Master Shallow, no more of that.

Robert Shallow. Ha, 'twas a merry night. And is Jane Nightwork alive?

Falstaff. She lives, Master Shallow.

Robert Shallow. She never could away with me.

Falstaff. Never, never; she would always say she could not
Master Shallow.

Robert Shallow. By the mass, I could anger her to th' heart. She was
a bona-roba. Doth she hold her own well?

Falstaff. Old, old, Master Shallow.

Robert Shallow. Ha, cousin Silence, that thou hadst seen that that
knight and I have seen! Ha, Sir John, said I well?

Falstaff. We have heard the chimes at midnight, Master Shallow.

Francis Feeble. Faith, I'll bear no base mind.

Falstaff. Come, sir, which men shall I have?

Bardolph. Sir, a word with you. I have three pound to free
and Bullcalf.

Falstaff. Go to; well.

Robert Shallow. Come, Sir John, which four will you have?

Falstaff. Do you choose for me.

Robert Shallow. Marry, then--Mouldy, Bullcalf, Feeble, and Shadow.

Falstaff. Mouldy and Bullcalf: for you, Mouldy, stay at home
you are past service; and for your part, Bullcalf, grow you
unto it. I will none of you.

Robert Shallow. Sir John, Sir John, do not yourself wrong. They are
likeliest men, and I would have you serv'd with the best.

Falstaff. Will you tell me, Master Shallow, how to choose a
Care I for the limb, the thews, the stature, bulk, and big
assemblance of a man! Give me the spirit, Master Shallow.
Wart; you see what a ragged appearance it is. 'A shall charge
and discharge you with the motion of a pewterer's hammer,
off and on swifter than he that gibbets on the brewer's
And this same half-fac'd fellow, Shadow--give me this man. He
presents no mark to the enemy; the foeman may with as great
level at the edge of a penknife. And, for a retreat--how
will this Feeble, the woman's tailor, run off! O, give me the
spare men, and spare me the great ones. Put me a caliver into
Wart's hand, Bardolph.

Bardolph. Hold, Wart. Traverse--thus, thus, thus.

Falstaff. Come, manage me your caliver. So--very well. Go to;
good; exceeding good. O, give me always a little, lean, old,
chopt, bald shot. Well said, i' faith, Wart; th'art a good
Hold, there's a tester for thee.

Robert Shallow. He is not his craft's master, he doth not do it right.
remember at Mile-end Green, when I lay at Clement's Inn--I
then Sir Dagonet in Arthur's show--there was a little quiver
fellow, and 'a would manage you his piece thus; and 'a would
about and about, and come you in and come you in. 'Rah, tah,
tah!' would 'a say; 'Bounce!' would 'a say; and away again
'a go, and again would 'a come. I shall ne'er see such a

Falstaff. These fellows will do well. Master Shallow, God keep
Master Silence, I will not use many words with you: Fare you
well! Gentlemen both, I thank you. I must a dozen mile
Bardolph, give the soldiers coats.

Robert Shallow. Sir John, the Lord bless you; God prosper your
God send us peace! At your return, visit our house; let our
acquaintance be renewed. Peradventure I will with ye to the
court.

Falstaff. Fore God, would you would.

Robert Shallow. Go to; I have spoke at a word. God keep you.

Falstaff.
Fare you well, gentle gentlemen.
[ Shallow and Silence exit. ]
On, Bardolph. Lead the men away.
[ All but Falstaff exit.]
As I return, I will fetch off these justices. I do see
the bottom of Justice Shallow. Lord, Lord, how
subject we old men are to this vice of lying. This
same starved justice hath done nothing but prate to
me of the wildness of his youth and the feats he hath
done about Turnbull Street, and every third word a
lie, duer paid to the hearer than the Turk’s tribute. I
do remember him at Clement’s Inn, like a man
made after supper of a cheese paring. When he was
naked, he was, for all the world, like a forked radish
with a head fantastically carved upon it with a
knife. He was so forlorn that his dimensions to
any thick sight were invincible. He was the very
genius of famine, yet lecherous as a monkey,
and the whores called him “mandrake.” He came
ever in the rearward of the fashion, and sung
those tunes to the overscutched huswives that he
heard the carmen whistle, and swore they were his
fancies or his good-nights. And now is this Vice’s
dagger become a squire, and talks as familiarly
of John o’ Gaunt as if he had been sworn brother
to him, and I’ll be sworn he ne’er saw him but
once in the tilt-yard, and then he burst his head
for crowding among the Marshal’s men. I saw it
and told John o’ Gaunt he beat his own name, for
you might have thrust him and all his apparel into
an eel-skin; the case of a treble hautboy was a
mansion for him, a court. And now has he land and
beefs. Well, I’ll be acquainted with him if I return,
and ’t shall go hard but I’ll make him a philosopher’s
two stones to me. If the young dace be a
bait for the old pike, I see no reason in the law of
nature but I may snap at him. Let time shape, and
there an end.
[ He exits. ]

Prince John. I pawn'd thee none:
I promis'd you redress of these same grievances
Whereof you did complain; which, by mine honour,
I will perform with a most Christian care.
But for you, rebels--look to taste the due
Meet for rebellion and such acts as yours.
Most shallowly did you these arms commence,
Fondly brought here, and foolishly sent hence.
Strike up our drums, pursue the scatt'red stray.
God, and not we, hath safely fought to-day.
Some guard these traitors to the block of death,
Treason's true bed and yielder-up of breath. Exeunt

Falstaff. What's your name, sir? Of what condition are you, and
what place, I pray?

Sir John Colville. I am a knight sir; and my name is Colville of the

Falstaff. Well then, Colville is your name, a knight is your
degree, and your place the Dale. Colville shall still be your
name, a traitor your degree, and the dungeon your place--a
deep enough; so shall you be still Colville of the Dale.

Sir John Colville. Are not you Sir John Falstaff?

Falstaff. As good a man as he, sir, whoe'er I am. Do you yield,
sir, or shall I sweat for you? If I do sweat, they are the
of thy lovers, and they weep for thy death; therefore rouse
fear and trembling, and do observance to my mercy.

Sir John Colville. I think you are Sir John Falstaff, and in that
yield me.

Falstaff. I have a whole school of tongues in this belly of
and not a tongue of them all speaks any other word but my
An I had but a belly of any indifferency, I were simply the
active fellow in Europe. My womb, my womb, my womb undoes me.
Here comes our general.

Prince John. The heat is past; follow no further now.
Call in the powers, good cousin Westmoreland.
[Exit WESTMORELAND]
Now, Falstaff, where have you been all this while?
When everything is ended, then you come.
These tardy tricks of yours will, on my life,
One time or other break some gallows' back.

Falstaff. I would be sorry, my lord, but it should be thus: I
knew yet but rebuke and check was the reward of valour. Do
think me a swallow, an arrow, or a bullet? Have I, in my poor
old motion, the expedition of thought? I have speeded hither
the very extremest inch of possibility; I have found'red nine
score and odd posts; and here, travel tainted as I am, have,
my pure and immaculate valour, taken Sir John Colville of the
Dale,a most furious knight and valorous enemy. But what of
He saw me, and yielded; that I may justly say with the
fellow of Rome-I came, saw, and overcame.

Prince John. It was more of his courtesy than your deserving.

Falstaff. I know not. Here he is, and here I yield him; and I
beseech your Grace, let it be book'd with the rest of this
deeds; or, by the Lord, I will have it in a particular ballad
else, with mine own picture on the top on't, Colville kissing
foot; to the which course if I be enforc'd, if you do not all
show like gilt twopences to me, and I, in the clear sky of
o'ershine you as much as the full moon doth the cinders of
element, which show like pins' heads to her, believe not the
of the noble. Therefore let me have right, and let desert

Prince John. Thine's too heavy to mount.

Falstaff. Let it shine, then.

Prince John. Thine's too thick to shine.

Falstaff. Let it do something, my good lord, that may do me
and call it what you will.

Prince John. A famous rebel art thou, Colville.

Falstaff. And a famous true subject took him.

Sir John Colville. I am, my lord, but as my betters are
That led me hither. Had they been rul'd by me,
You should have won them dearer than you have.

Falstaff. I know not how they sold themselves; but thou, like a
kind fellow, gavest thyself away gratis; and I thank thee for
thee.

Prince John. Send Colville, with his confederates,
To York, to present execution.
Blunt, lead him hence; and see you guard him sure.
[Exeunt BLUNT and others]
And now dispatch we toward the court, my lords.
I hear the King my father is sore sick.
Our news shall go before us to his Majesty,
Which, cousin, you shall bear to comfort him
And we with sober speed will follow you.

Falstaff. My lord, I beseech you, give me leave to go through
Gloucestershire; and, when you come to court, stand my good
pray, in your good report.

Prince John. Fare you well, Falstaff. I, in my condition,
Shall better speak of you than you deserve.

Falstaff. I would you had but the wit; 'twere better than your
dukedom. Good faith, this same young sober-blooded boy doth
love me; nor a man cannot make him laugh--but that's no
he drinks no wine. There's never none of these demure boys
to any proof; for thin drink doth so over-cool their blood,
making many fish-meals, that they fall into a kind of male
green-sickness; and then, when they marry, they get wenches.
are generally fools and cowards-which some of us should be
but for inflammation. A good sherris-sack hath a two-fold
operation in it. It ascends me into the brain; dries me there
the foolish and dull and crudy vapours which environ it;
apprehensive, quick, forgetive, full of nimble, fiery, and
delectable shapes; which delivered o'er to the voice, the
which is the birth, becomes excellent wit. The second
your excellent sherris is the warming of the blood; which
cold and settled, left the liver white and pale, which is the
badge of pusillanimity and cowardice; but the sherris warms
and makes it course from the inwards to the parts extremes.
illumineth the face, which, as a beacon, gives warning to all
rest of this little kingdom, man, to arm; and then the vital
commoners and inland petty spirits muster me all to their
captain, the heart, who, great and puff'd up with this
doth any deed of courage--and this valour comes of sherris.
that skill in the weapon is nothing without sack, for that
it a-work; and learning, a mere hoard of gold kept by a devil
till sack commences it and sets it in act and use. Hereof
it that Prince Harry is valiant; for the cold blood he did
naturally inherit of his father, he hath, like lean, sterile,
bare land, manured, husbanded, and till'd, with excellent
endeavour of drinking good and good store of fertile sherris,
that he is become very hot and valiant. If I had a thousand
the first humane principle I would teach them should be to
forswear thin potations and to addict themselves to sack.
[Enter BARDOLPH]
How now, Bardolph!

Bardolph. The army is discharged all and gone.

Falstaff. Let them go. I'll through Gloucestershire, and there
I visit Master Robert Shallow, Esquire. I have him already
temp'ring between my finger and my thumb, and shortly will I
with him. Come away. Exeunt

Robert Shallow. By cock and pie, sir, you shall not away to-night.
What, Davy, I say!

Falstaff. You must excuse me, Master Robert Shallow.

Robert Shallow. I thank thee with all my heart, kind Master Bardolph.
[To the PAGE] And welcome, my tall fellow. Come, Sir John.

Falstaff. I'll follow you, good Master Robert Shallow.
[Exit SHALLOW] Bardolph, look to our horses. [Exeunt
and PAGE] If I were sawed into quantities, I should make
dozen of such bearded hermits' staves as Master Shallow. It
wonderful thing to see the semblable coherence of his men's
spirits and his. They, by observing of him, do bear
like foolish justices: he, by conversing with them, is turned
into a justice-like serving-man. Their spirits are so married
conjunction with the participation of society that they flock
together in consent, like so many wild geese. If I had a suit
Master Shallow, I would humour his men with the imputation of
being near their master; if to his men, I would curry with
Shallow that no man could better command his servants. It is
certain that either wise bearing or ignorant carriage is
as men take diseases, one of another; therefore let men take
of their company. I will devise matter enough out of this
to keep Prince Harry in continual laughter the wearing out of
fashions, which is four terms, or two actions; and 'a shall
without intervallums. O, it is much that a lie with a slight
oath, and a jest with a sad brow will do with a fellow that
had the ache in his shoulders! O, you shall see him laugh
his face be like a wet cloak ill laid up!

Robert Shallow. [Within] Sir John!

Falstaff. I come, Master Shallow; I come, Master Shallow.

Robert Shallow. Nay, you shall see my orchard, where, in an arbour, we
will eat a last year's pippin of mine own graffing, with a
of caraways, and so forth. Come, cousin Silence. And then to

Falstaff. Fore God, you have here a goodly dwelling and rich.

Robert Shallow. Barren, barren, barren; beggars all, beggars all, Sir
-marry, good air. Spread, Davy, spread, Davy; well said,

Falstaff. This Davy serves you for good uses; he is your
serving-man and your husband.

Silence. Ah, sirrah! quoth-a--we shall [Singing]
Do nothing but eat and make good cheer,
And praise God for the merry year;
When flesh is cheap and females dear,
And lusty lads roam here and there,
So merrily,
And ever among so merrily.

Falstaff. There's a merry heart! Good Master Silence, I'll give
a health for that anon.

Silence. [Singing]
Be merry, be merry, my wife has all;
For women are shrews, both short and tall;
'Tis merry in hall when beards wag an;
And welcome merry Shrove-tide.
Be merry, be merry.

Falstaff. I did not think Master Silence had been a man of this
mettle.

Silence. [Singing]
A cup of wine that's brisk and fine,
And drink unto the leman mine;
And a merry heart lives long-a.

Falstaff. Well said, Master Silence.

Silence. An we shall be merry, now comes in the sweet o' th'

Falstaff. Health and long life to you, Master Silence!

Robert Shallow. Why, there spoke a king. Lack nothing; be merry.
[One knocks at door] Look who's at door there, ho! Who

Falstaff. [To SILENCE, who has drunk a bumper] Why, now you
done me right.

Silence. [Singing]
Do me right,
And dub me knight.
Samingo.
Is't not so?

Falstaff. 'Tis so.

Davy. An't please your worship, there's one Pistol come from
court with news.

Falstaff. From the court? Let him come in.
[Enter PISTOL]
How now, Pistol?

Pistol. Sir John, God save you!

Falstaff. What wind blew you hither, Pistol?

Pistol. Puff!
Puff in thy teeth, most recreant coward base!
Sir John, I am thy Pistol and thy friend,
And helter-skelter have I rode to thee;
And tidings do I bring, and lucky joys,
And golden times, and happy news of price.

Falstaff. I pray thee now, deliver them like a man of this

Pistol. A foutra for the world and worldlings base!
I speak of Africa and golden joys.

Falstaff. O base Assyrian knight, what is thy news?
Let King Cophetua know the truth thereof.

Pistol. A foutra for thine office!
Sir John, thy tender lambkin now is King;
Harry the Fifth's the man. I speak the truth.
When Pistol lies, do this; and fig me, like
The bragging Spaniard.

Falstaff. What, is the old king dead?

Pistol. As nail in door. The things I speak are just.

Falstaff. Away, Bardolph! saddle my horse. Master Robert
choose what office thou wilt in the land, 'tis thine. Pistol,
will double-charge thee with dignities.

Pistol. What, I do bring good news?

Falstaff. Carry Master Silence to bed. Master Shallow, my Lord
Shallow, be what thou wilt--I am Fortune's steward. Get on
boots; we'll ride all night. O sweet Pistol! Away, Bardolph!
[Exit BARDOLPH] Come, Pistol, utter more to me; and withal
devise something to do thyself good. Boot, boot, Master
I know the young King is sick for me. Let us take any man's
horses: the laws of England are at my commandment. Blessed
they that have been my friends; and woe to my Lord Chief

Third Groom. 'Twill be two o'clock ere they come from the
coronation. Dispatch, dispatch. Exeunt

Falstaff. Stand here by me, Master Robert Shallow; I will make the
King do you grace. I will leer upon him, as 'a comes by; and do
but mark the countenance that he will give me.

Pistol. God bless thy lungs, good knight!

Falstaff. Come here, Pistol; stand behind me. [To SHALLOW] O, if
I had had to have made new liveries, I would have bestowed the
thousand pound I borrowed of you. But 'tis no matter; this poor
show doth better; this doth infer the zeal I had to see him.

Robert Shallow. It doth so.

Falstaff. It shows my earnestness of affection-

Robert Shallow. It doth so.

Falstaff. My devotion--

Robert Shallow. It doth, it doth, it doth.

Falstaff. As it were, to ride day and night; and not to
not to remember, not to have patience to shift me--

Robert Shallow. It is best, certain.

Falstaff. But to stand stained with travel, and sweating with
desire to see him; thinking of nothing else, putting all
else in oblivion, as if there were nothing else to be done
see him.

Pistol. My knight, I will inflame thy noble liver
And make thee rage.
Thy Doll, and Helen of thy noble thoughts,
Is in base durance and contagious prison;
Hal'd thither
By most mechanical and dirty hand.
Rouse up revenge from ebon den with fell Alecto's snake,
For Doll is in. Pistol speaks nought but truth.

Falstaff. I will deliver her.

Pistol. There roar'd the sea, and trumpet-clangor sounds.

Falstaff. God save thy Grace, King Hal; my royal Hal!

Pistol. The heavens thee guard and keep, most royal imp of

Falstaff. God save thee, my sweet boy!

Lord Chief Justice. Have you your wits? Know you what 'tis you

Falstaff. My king! my Jove! I speak to thee, my heart!

Henry V. I know thee not, old man. Fall to thy prayers.
How ill white hairs become a fool and jester!
I have long dreamt of such a kind of man,
So surfeit-swell'd, so old, and so profane;
But being awak'd, I do despise my dream.
Make less thy body hence, and more thy grace;
Leave gormandizing; know the grave doth gape
For thee thrice wider than for other men--
Reply not to me with a fool-born jest;
Presume not that I am the thing I was,
For God doth know, so shall the world perceive,
That I have turn'd away my former self;
So will I those that kept me company.
When thou dost hear I am as I have been,
Approach me, and thou shalt be as thou wast,
The tutor and the feeder of my riots.
Till then I banish thee, on pain of death,
As I have done the rest of my misleaders,
Not to come near our person by ten mile.
For competence of life I will allow you,
That lack of means enforce you not to evils;
And, as we hear you do reform yourselves,
We will, according to your strengths and qualities,
Give you advancement. Be it your charge, my lord,
To see perform'd the tenour of our word.
Set on. Exeunt the KING and his train

Falstaff. Master Shallow, I owe you a thousand pounds.

Robert Shallow. Yea, marry, Sir John; which I beseech you to let me
home with me.

Falstaff. That can hardly be, Master Shallow. Do not you grieve
this; I shall be sent for in private to him. Look you, he
seem thus to the world. Fear not your advancements; I will be
man yet that shall make you great.

Robert Shallow. I cannot perceive how, unless you give me your
and stuff me out with straw. I beseech you, good Sir John,
have five hundred of my thousand.

Falstaff. Sir, I will be as good as my word. This that you
was but a colour.

Robert Shallow. A colour that I fear you will die in, Sir John.

Falstaff. Fear no colours; go with me to dinner. Come,
Pistol; come, Bardolph. I shall be sent for soon at night.

Lord Chief Justice. Go, carry Sir John Falstaff to the Fleet;
Take all his company along with him.

Falstaff. My lord, my lord--