History of Henry IV, Part II (1597-8)

Intro
Title Variant: The Second Part of Henry the Fourth
Online Critical Edition in Progress - Version 1.a.
Shakespeare Network - https://shakespearenetwork.net/

Read & Listen - Click play and scroll down the page.






Act II, Scene 1

London. A street

Hostess Quickly
Master Fang, have you ent'red the action?

Fang
It is ent'red.

Hostess Quickly
Where's your yeoman? Is't a lusty yeoman? Will 'a
to't?

Fang
Sirrah, where's Snare?

Hostess Quickly
O Lord, ay! good Master Snare.

Snare
Here, here.

Fang
Snare, we must arrest Sir John Falstaff.

Hostess Quickly
Yea, good Master Snare; I have ent'red him and all.

Snare
It may chance cost some of our lives, for he will stab.

Hostess Quickly
Alas the day! take heed of him; he stabb'd me in mine
house, and that most beastly. In good faith, 'a cares not
mischief he does, if his weapon be out; he will foin like any
devil; he will spare neither man, woman, nor child.

Fang
If I can close with him, I care not for his thrust.

Hostess Quickly
No, nor I neither; I'll be at your elbow.

Fang
An I but fist him once; an 'a come but within my vice!

Hostess Quickly
I am undone by his going; I warrant you, he's an
infinitive thing upon my score. Good Master Fang, hold him
Good Master Snare, let him not scape. 'A comes continuantly
Pie-corner--saving your manhoods--to buy a saddle; and he is
indited to dinner to the Lubber's Head in Lumbert Street, to
Master Smooth's the silkman. I pray you, since my exion is
ent'red, and my case so openly known to the world, let him be
brought in to his answer. A hundred mark is a long one for a
lone woman to bear; and I have borne, and borne, and borne;
have been fubb'd off, and fubb'd off, and fubb'd off, from
day to that day, that it is a shame to be thought on. There
honesty in such dealing; unless a woman should be made an ass
a beast, to bear every knave's wrong.
[Enter SIR JOHN FALSTAFF, PAGE, and BARDOLPH]
Yonder he comes; and that arrant malmsey-nose knave,
with him. Do your offices, do your offices, Master Fang and
Master Snare; do me, do me, do me your offices.

Falstaff
How now! whose mare's dead? What's the matter?

Fang
Sir John, I arrest you at the suit of Mistress Quickly.

Falstaff
Away, varlets! Draw, Bardolph. Cut me off the
head. Throw the quean in the channel.

Hostess Quickly
Throw me in the channel! I'll throw thee in the
Wilt thou? wilt thou? thou bastardly rogue! Murder, murder!
thou honeysuckle villain! wilt thou kill God's officers and
King's? Ah, thou honey-seed rogue! thou art a honey-seed; a
man-queller and a woman-queller.

Falstaff
Keep them off, Bardolph.

Fang
A rescue! a rescue!

Hostess Quickly
Good people, bring a rescue or two. Thou wot, wot
thou wot, wot ta? Do, do, thou rogue! do, thou hemp-seed!

Page
Away, you scullion! you rampallian! you fustilarian!
I'll tickle your catastrophe.

Lord Chief Justice
What is the matter? Keep the peace here, ho!

Hostess Quickly
Good my lord, be good to me. I beseech you, stand to

Lord Chief Justice
How now, Sir John! what, are you brawling here?
Doth this become your place, your time, and business?
You should have been well on your way to York.
Stand from him, fellow; wherefore hang'st thou upon him?

Hostess Quickly
O My most worshipful lord, an't please your Grace, I
poor widow of Eastcheap, and he is arrested at my suit.

Lord Chief Justice
For what sum?

Hostess Quickly
It is more than for some, my lord; it is for all--all
have. He hath eaten me out of house and home; he hath put all
substance into that fat belly of his. But I will have some of
out again, or I will ride thee a nights like a mare.

Falstaff
I think I am as like to ride the mare, if I have any
vantage of ground to get up.

Lord Chief Justice
How comes this, Sir John? Fie! What man of good
temper would endure this tempest of exclamation? Are you not
ashamed to enforce a poor widow to so rough a course to come
her own?

Falstaff
What is the gross sum that I owe thee?

Hostess Quickly
Marry, if thou wert an honest man, thyself and the
too. Thou didst swear to me upon a parcel-gilt goblet,
my Dolphin chamber, at the round table, by a sea-coal fire,
Wednesday in Wheeson week, when the Prince broke thy head for
liking his father to singing-man of Windsor--thou didst swear
me then, as I was washing thy wound, to marry me and make me
lady thy wife. Canst thou deny it? Did not goodwife Keech,
butcher's wife, come in then and call me gossip Quickly?
in to borrow a mess of vinegar, telling us she had a good
prawns, whereby thou didst desire to eat some, whereby I told
thee they were ill for green wound? And didst thou not, when
was gone down stairs, desire me to be no more so familiarity
such poor people, saying that ere long they should call me
And didst thou not kiss me, and bid me fetch the thirty
shillings? I put thee now to thy book-oath. Deny it, if thou
canst.

Falstaff
My lord, this is a poor mad soul, and she says up and
down the town that her eldest son is like you. She hath been
good case, and, the truth is, poverty hath distracted her.
for these foolish officers, I beseech you I may have redress
against them.

Lord Chief Justice
Sir John, Sir John, I am well acquainted with
manner of wrenching the true cause the false way. It is not a
confident brow, nor the throng of words that come with such
than impudent sauciness from you, can thrust me from a level
consideration. You have, as it appears to me, practis'd upon
easy yielding spirit of this woman, and made her serve your
both in purse and in person.

Hostess Quickly
Yea, in truth, my lord.

Lord Chief Justice
Pray thee, peace. Pay her the debt you owe her,
unpay the villainy you have done with her; the one you may do
with sterling money, and the other with current repentance.

Falstaff
My lord, I will not undergo this sneap without reply.
call honourable boldness impudent sauciness; if a man will
curtsy and say nothing, he is virtuous. No, my lord, my
duty rememb'red, I will not be your suitor. I say to you I do
desire deliverance from these officers, being upon hasty
employment in the King's affairs.

Lord Chief Justice
You speak as having power to do wrong; but
th' effect of your reputation, and satisfy the poor woman.

Falstaff
Come hither, hostess.

Lord Chief Justice
Now, Master Gower, what news?

Gower
The King, my lord, and Harry Prince of Wales
Are near at hand. The rest the paper tells. [Gives a letter]

Falstaff
As I am a gentleman!

Hostess Quickly
Faith, you said so before.

Falstaff
As I am a gentleman! Come, no more words of it.

Hostess Quickly
By this heavenly ground I tread on, I must be fain to
both my plate and the tapestry of my dining-chambers.

Falstaff
Glasses, glasses, is the only drinking; and for thy
walls, a pretty slight drollery, or the story of the
the German hunting, in water-work, is worth a thousand of
bed-hangers and these fly-bitten tapestries. Let it be ten
if thou canst. Come, and 'twere not for thy humours, there's
a better wench in England. Go, wash thy face, and draw the
action. Come, thou must not be in this humour with me; dost
know me? Come, come, I know thou wast set on to this.

Hostess Quickly
Pray thee, Sir John, let it be but twenty nobles;
i' faith, I am loath to pawn my plate, so God save me, la!

Falstaff
Let it alone; I'll make other shift. You'll be a fool
still.

Hostess Quickly
Well, you shall have it, though I pawn my gown.
I hope you'll come to supper. you'll pay me all together?

Falstaff
Will I live? [To BARDOLPH] Go, with her, with her;
on, hook on.

Hostess Quickly
Will you have Doll Tearsheet meet you at supper?

Falstaff
No more words; let's have her.

Lord Chief Justice
I have heard better news.

Falstaff
What's the news, my lord?

Lord Chief Justice
Where lay the King to-night?

Gower
At Basingstoke, my lord.

Falstaff
I hope, my lord, all's well. What is the news, my

Lord Chief Justice
Come all his forces back?

Gower
No; fifteen hundred foot, five hundred horse,
Are march'd up to my Lord of Lancaster,
Against Northumberland and the Archbishop.

Falstaff
Comes the King back from Wales, my noble lord?

Lord Chief Justice
You shall have letters of me presently.
Come, go along with me, good Master Gower.

Falstaff
My lord!

Lord Chief Justice
What's the matter?

Falstaff
Master Gower, shall I entreat you with me to dinner?

Gower
I must wait upon my good lord here, I thank you, good
John.

Lord Chief Justice
Sir John, you loiter here too long, being you
take soldiers up in counties as you go.

Falstaff
Will you sup with me, Master Gower?

Lord Chief Justice
What foolish master taught you these manners,
John?

Falstaff
Master Gower, if they become me not, he was a fool
taught them me. This is the right fencing grace, my lord; tap
tap, and so part fair.

Lord Chief Justice
Now, the Lord lighten thee! Thou art a great

Act II, Scene 2

London. Another street

Henry V
Before God, I am exceeding weary.

Edward Poins
Is't come to that? I had thought weariness durst not
attach'd one of so high blood.

Henry V
Faith, it does me; though it discolours the complexion
my greatness to acknowledge it. Doth it not show vilely in me
desire small beer?

Edward Poins
Why, a prince should not be so loosely studied as to
remember so weak a composition.

Henry V
Belike then my appetite was not-princely got; for, by
troth, I do now remember the poor creature, small beer. But
indeed these humble considerations make me out of love with
greatness. What a disgrace is it to me to remember thy name,
to know thy face to-morrow, or to take note how many pair of
stockings thou hast--viz., these, and those that were thy
peach-colour'd ones--or to bear the inventory of thy shirts-
one for superfluity, and another for use! But that the
tennis-court-keeper knows better than I; for it is a low ebb
linen with thee when thou keepest not racket there; as thou
not done a great while, because the rest of thy low countries
have made a shift to eat up thy holland. And God knows
those that bawl out of the ruins of thy linen shall inherit
kingdom; but the midwives say the children are not in the
whereupon the world increases, and kindreds are mightily
strengthened.

Edward Poins
How ill it follows, after you have laboured so hard, you
should talk so idly! Tell me, how many good young princes
do so, their fathers being so sick as yours at this time is?

Henry V
Shall I tell thee one thing, Poins?

Edward Poins
Yes, faith; and let it be an excellent good thing.

Henry V
It shall serve among wits of no higher breeding than

Edward Poins
Go to; I stand the push of your one thing that you will
tell.

Henry V
Marry, I tell thee it is not meet that I should be sad,
my father is sick; albeit I could tell to thee--as to one it
pleases me, for fault of a better, to call my friend--I could
sad and sad indeed too.

Edward Poins
Very hardly upon such a subject.

Henry V
By this hand, thou thinkest me as far in the devil's
as thou and Falstaff for obduracy and persistency: let the
try the man. But I tell thee my heart bleeds inwardly that my
father is so sick; and keeping such vile company as thou art
in reason taken from me all ostentation of sorrow.

Edward Poins
The reason?

Henry V
What wouldst thou think of me if I should weep?

Edward Poins
I would think thee a most princely hypocrite.

Henry V
It would be every man's thought; and thou art a blessed
fellow to think as every man thinks. Never a man's thought in
world keeps the road-way better than thine. Every man would
me an hypocrite indeed. And what accites your most worshipful
thought to think so?

Edward Poins
Why, because you have been so lewd and so much engraffed
Falstaff.

Henry V
And to thee.

Edward Poins
By this light, I am well spoke on; I can hear it with
own ears. The worst that they can say of me is that I am a
brother and that I am a proper fellow of my hands; and those
things, I confess, I cannot help. By the mass, here comes
Bardolph.

Henry V
And the boy that I gave Falstaff. 'A had him from me
Christian; and look if the fat villain have not transform'd
ape.

Bardolph
God save your Grace!

Henry V
And yours, most noble Bardolph!

Edward Poins
Come, you virtuous ass, you bashful fool, must you be
blushing? Wherefore blush you now? What a maidenly
are you become! Is't such a matter to get a pottle-pot's
maidenhead?

Page
'A calls me e'en now, my lord, through a red lattice, and
could discern no part of his face from the window. At last I
spied his eyes; and methought he had made two holes in the
alewife's new petticoat, and so peep'd through.

Henry V
Has not the boy profited?

Bardolph
Away, you whoreson upright rabbit, away!

Page
Away, you rascally Althaea's dream, away!

Henry V
Instruct us, boy; what dream, boy?

Page
Marry, my lord, Althaea dreamt she was delivered of a
firebrand; and therefore I call him her dream.

Henry V
A crown's worth of good interpretation. There 'tis,

Edward Poins
O that this blossom could be kept from cankers!
Well, there is sixpence to preserve thee.

Bardolph
An you do not make him be hang'd among you, the
shall have wrong.

Henry V
And how doth thy master, Bardolph?

Bardolph
Well, my lord. He heard of your Grace's coming to
There's a letter for you.

Edward Poins
Deliver'd with good respect. And how doth the martlemas,
your master?

Bardolph
In bodily health, sir.

Edward Poins
Marry, the immortal part needs a physician; but that
not him. Though that be sick, it dies not.

Henry V
I do allow this well to be as familiar with me as my
and he holds his place, for look you how he writes.

Edward Poins
[Reads] 'John Falstaff, knight'--Every man must know
as oft as he has occasion to name himself, even like those
are kin to the King; for they never prick their finger but
say 'There's some of the King's blood spilt.' 'How comes
says he that takes upon him not to conceive. The answer is as
ready as a borrower's cap: 'I am the King's poor cousin,

Henry V
Nay, they will be kin to us, or they will fetch it from
Japhet. But the letter: [Reads] 'Sir John Falstaff, knight,
the son of the King nearest his father, Harry Prince of
greeting.'

Edward Poins
Why, this is a certificate.

Henry V
Peace! [Reads] 'I will imitate the honourable Romans
brevity.'-

Edward Poins
He sure means brevity in breath, short-winded.

Henry V
[Reads] 'I commend me to thee, I commend thee, and I
leave thee. Be not too familiar with Poins; for he misuses
favours so much that he swears thou art to marry his sister
Repent at idle times as thou mayst, and so farewell.
Thine, by yea and no--which is as much as to say as
thou usest him--JACK FALSTAFF with my familiars,
JOHN with my brothers and sisters, and SIR JOHN with
all Europe.'

Edward Poins
My lord, I'll steep this letter in sack and make him eat

Henry V
That's to make him eat twenty of his words. But do you
me thus, Ned? Must I marry your sister?

Edward Poins
God send the wench no worse fortune! But I never said

Henry V
Well, thus we play the fools with the time, and the
of the wise sit in the clouds and mock us. Is your master
London?

Bardolph
Yea, my lord.

Henry V
Where sups he? Doth the old boar feed in the old frank?

Bardolph
At the old place, my lord, in Eastcheap.

Henry V
What company?

Page
Ephesians, my lord, of the old church.

Henry V
Sup any women with him?

Page
None, my lord, but old Mistress Quickly and Mistress Doll
Tearsheet.

Henry V
What pagan may that be?

Page
A proper gentlewoman, sir, and a kinswoman of my

Henry V
Even such kin as the parish heifers are to the town
Shall we steal upon them, Ned, at supper?

Edward Poins
I am your shadow, my lord; I'll follow you.

Henry V
Sirrah, you boy, and Bardolph, no word to your master
I am yet come to town. There's for your silence.

Bardolph
I have no tongue, sir.

Page
And for mine, sir, I will govern it.

Henry V
Fare you well; go. Exeunt BARDOLPH and PAGE
This Doll Tearsheet should be some road.

Edward Poins
I warrant you, as common as the way between Saint Albans
London.

Henry V
How might we see Falstaff bestow himself to-night in
true colours, and not ourselves be seen?

Edward Poins
Put on two leathern jerkins and aprons, and wait upon
his table as drawers.

Henry V
From a god to a bull? A heavy descension! It was Jove's
case. From a prince to a prentice? A low transformation! That
shall be mine; for in everything the purpose must weigh with
folly. Follow me, Ned.

Act II, Scene 3

Warkworth. Before the castle

Earl of Northumberland
I pray thee, loving wife, and gentle daughter,
Give even way unto my rough affairs;
Put not you on the visage of the times
And be, like them, to Percy troublesome.

Lady Northumberland
I have given over, I will speak no more.
Do what you will; your wisdom be your guide.

Earl of Northumberland
Alas, sweet wife, my honour is at pawn;
And but my going nothing can redeem it.

Lady Percy
O, yet, for God's sake, go not to these wars!
The time was, father, that you broke your word,
When you were more endear'd to it than now;
When your own Percy, when my heart's dear Harry,
Threw many a northward look to see his father
Bring up his powers; but he did long in vain.
Who then persuaded you to stay at home?
There were two honours lost, yours and your son's.
For yours, the God of heaven brighten it!
For his, it stuck upon him as the sun
In the grey vault of heaven; and by his light
Did all the chivalry of England move
To do brave acts. He was indeed the glass
Wherein the noble youth did dress themselves.
He had no legs that practis'd not his gait;
And speaking thick, which nature made his blemish,
Became the accents of the valiant;
For those who could speak low and tardily
Would turn their own perfection to abuse
To seem like him: so that in speech, in gait,
In diet, in affections of delight,
In military rules, humours of blood,
He was the mark and glass, copy and book,
That fashion'd others. And him--O wondrous him!
O miracle of men!--him did you leave--
Second to none, unseconded by you--
To look upon the hideous god of war
In disadvantage, to abide a field
Where nothing but the sound of Hotspur's name
Did seem defensible. So you left him.
Never, O never, do his ghost the wrong
To hold your honour more precise and nice
With others than with him! Let them alone.
The Marshal and the Archbishop are strong.
Had my sweet Harry had but half their numbers,
To-day might I, hanging on Hotspur's neck,
Have talk'd of Monmouth's grave.

Earl of Northumberland
Beshrew your heart,
Fair daughter, you do draw my spirits from me
With new lamenting ancient oversights.
But I must go and meet with danger there,
Or it will seek me in another place,
And find me worse provided.

Lady Northumberland
O, fly to Scotland
Till that the nobles and the armed commons
Have of their puissance made a little taste.

Lady Percy
If they get ground and vantage of the King,
Then join you with them, like a rib of steel,
To make strength stronger; but, for all our loves,
First let them try themselves. So did your son;
He was so suff'red; so came I a widow;
And never shall have length of life enough
To rain upon remembrance with mine eyes,
That it may grow and sprout as high as heaven,
For recordation to my noble husband.

Earl of Northumberland
Come, come, go in with me. 'Tis with my mind
As with the tide swell'd up unto his height,
That makes a still-stand, running neither way.
Fain would I go to meet the Archbishop,
But many thousand reasons hold me back.
I will resolve for Scotland. There am I,
Till time and vantage crave my company. Exeunt

Act II, Scene 4

London. The Boar's Head Tavern in Eastcheap

Francis
What the devil hast thou brought there-apple-johns?
knowest Sir John cannot endure an apple-john.

Second Drawer
Mass, thou say'st true. The Prince once set a
of apple-johns before him, and told him there were five more
Johns; and, putting off his hat, said 'I will now take my
of these six dry, round, old, withered knights.' It ang'red
to the heart; but he hath forgot that.

Francis
Why, then, cover and set them down; and see if thou
find out Sneak's noise; Mistress Tearsheet would fain hear
music.

Third Drawer
Dispatch! The room where they supp'd is too hot;
they'll come in straight.

Francis
Sirrah, here will be the Prince and Master Poins anon;
they will put on two of our jerkins and aprons; and Sir John
not know of it. Bardolph hath brought word.

Third Drawer
By the mass, here will be old uds; it will be an
excellent stratagem.

Second Drawer
I'll see if I can find out Sneak.

Hostess Quickly
I' faith, sweetheart, methinks now you are in an
good temperality. Your pulsidge beats as extraordinarily as
would desire; and your colour, I warrant you, is as red as
rose, in good truth, la! But, i' faith, you have drunk too
canaries; and that's a marvellous searching wine, and it
the blood ere one can say 'What's this?' How do you now?

Doll Tearsheet
Better than I was--hem.

Hostess Quickly
Why, that's well said; a good heart's worth gold.
Lo, here comes Sir John.

Falstaff
[Singing] 'When Arthur first in court'--Empty the
Jordan. [Exit FRANCIS]--[Singing] 'And was a worthy king'--
now, Mistress Doll!

Hostess Quickly
Sick of a calm; yea, good faith.

Falstaff
So is all her sect; and they be once in a calm, they
sick.

Doll Tearsheet
A pox damn you, you muddy rascal! Is that all the comfort
give me?

Falstaff
You make fat rascals, Mistress Doll.

Doll Tearsheet
I make them! Gluttony and diseases make them: I make them
not.

Falstaff
If the cook help to make the gluttony, you help to
the diseases, Doll. We catch of you, Doll, we catch of you;
that, my poor virtue, grant that.

Doll Tearsheet
Yea, joy, our chains and our jewels.

Falstaff
'Your brooches, pearls, and ouches.' For to serve
is to come halting off; you know, to come off the breach with
pike bent bravely, and to surgery bravely; to venture upon
charg'd chambers bravely--

Doll Tearsheet
Hang yourself, you muddy conger, hang yourself!

Hostess Quickly
By my troth, this is the old fashion; you two never
but you fall to some discord. You are both, i' good truth, as
rheumatic as two dry toasts; you cannot one bear with
confirmities. What the good-year! one must bear, and that
you. You are the weaker vessel, as as they say, the emptier
vessel.

Doll Tearsheet
Can a weak empty vessel bear such a huge full hogs-head?
There's a whole merchant's venture of Bourdeaux stuff in him;
have not seen a hulk better stuff'd in the hold. Come, I'll
friends with thee, Jack. Thou art going to the wars; and
I shall ever see thee again or no, there is nobody cares.

Francis
Sir, Ancient Pistol's below and would speak with you.

Doll Tearsheet
Hang him, swaggering rascal! Let him not come hither; it
the foul-mouth'dst rogue in England.

Hostess Quickly
If he swagger, let him not come here. No, by my faith!
must live among my neighbours; I'll no swaggerers. I am in
name and fame with the very best. Shut the door. There comes
swaggerers here; I have not liv'd all this while to have
swaggering now. Shut the door, I pray you.

Falstaff
Dost thou hear, hostess?

Hostess Quickly
Pray ye, pacify yourself, Sir John; there comes no
swaggerers here.

Falstaff
Dost thou hear? It is mine ancient.

Hostess Quickly
Tilly-fally, Sir John, ne'er tell me; and your ancient
swagg'rer comes not in my doors. I was before Master Tisick,
debuty, t' other day; and, as he said to me--'twas no longer
than Wednesday last, i' good faith!--'Neighbour Quickly,'
he--Master Dumbe, our minister, was by then--'Neighbour
says he 'receive those that are civil, for' said he 'you are
an ill name.' Now 'a said so, I can tell whereupon. 'For'
'you are an honest woman and well thought on, therefore take
what guests you receive. Receive' says he 'no swaggering
companions.' There comes none here. You would bless you to
what he said. No, I'll no swagg'rers.

Falstaff
He's no swagg'rer, hostess; a tame cheater, i' faith;
may stroke him as gently as a puppy greyhound. He'll not
with a Barbary hen, if her feathers turn back in any show of
resistance. Call him up, drawer.

Hostess Quickly
Cheater, call you him? I will bar no honest man my
nor no cheater; but I do not love swaggering, by my troth. I
the worse when one says 'swagger.' Feel, masters, how I
look you, I warrant you.

Doll Tearsheet
So you do, hostess.

Hostess Quickly
Do I? Yea, in very truth, do I, an 'twere an aspen
cannot abide swagg'rers.

Pistol
God save you, Sir John!

Falstaff
Welcome, Ancient Pistol. Here, Pistol, I charge you
a cup of sack; do you discharge upon mine hostess.

Pistol
I will discharge upon her, Sir John, with two bullets.

Falstaff
She is pistol-proof, sir; you shall not hardly offend
her.

Hostess Quickly
Come, I'll drink no proofs nor no bullets. I'll drink
more than will do me good, for no man's pleasure, I.

Pistol
Then to you, Mistress Dorothy; I will charge you.

Doll Tearsheet
Charge me! I scorn you, scurvy companion. What! you poor,
base, rascally, cheating, lack-linen mate! Away, you mouldy
rogue, away! I am meat for your master.

Pistol
I know you, Mistress Dorothy.

Doll Tearsheet
Away, you cut-purse rascal! you filthy bung, away! By
wine, I'll thrust my knife in your mouldy chaps, an you play
saucy cuttle with me. Away, you bottle-ale rascal! you
basket-hilt stale juggler, you! Since when, I pray you, sir?
God's light, with two points on your shoulder? Much!

Pistol
God let me not live but I will murder your ruff for

Falstaff
No more, Pistol; I would not have you go off here.
Discharge yourself of our company, Pistol.

Hostess Quickly
No, good Captain Pistol; not here, sweet captain.

Doll Tearsheet
Captain! Thou abominable damn'd cheater, art thou not
to be called captain? An captains were of my mind, they would
truncheon you out, for taking their names upon you before you
have earn'd them. You a captain! you slave, for what? For
a poor whore's ruff in a bawdy-house? He a captain! hang him,
rogue! He lives upon mouldy stew'd prunes and dried cakes. A
captain! God's light, these villains will make the word as
as the word 'occupy'; which was an excellent good word before
was ill sorted. Therefore captains had need look to't.

Bardolph
Pray thee go down, good ancient.

Falstaff
Hark thee hither, Mistress Doll.

Pistol
Not I! I tell thee what, Corporal Bardolph, I could
her; I'll be reveng'd of her.

Page
Pray thee go down.

Pistol
I'll see her damn'd first; to Pluto's damn'd lake, by
hand, to th' infernal deep, with Erebus and tortures vile
Hold hook and line, say I. Down, down, dogs! down, faitors!
we not Hiren here?

Hostess Quickly
Good Captain Peesel, be quiet; 'tis very late, i'
beseek you now, aggravate your choler.

Pistol
These be good humours, indeed! Shall packhorses,
And hollow pamper'd jades of Asia,
Which cannot go but thirty mile a day,
Compare with Caesars, and with Cannibals,
And Troiant Greeks? Nay, rather damn them with
King Cerberus; and let the welkin roar.
Shall we fall foul for toys?

Hostess Quickly
By my troth, Captain, these are very bitter words.

Bardolph
Be gone, good ancient; this will grow to a brawl

Pistol
Die men like dogs! Give crowns like pins! Have we not
here?

Hostess Quickly
O' my word, Captain, there's none such here. What the
good-year! do you think I would deny her? For God's sake, be
quiet.

Pistol
Then feed and be fat, my fair Calipolis.
Come, give's some sack.
'Si fortune me tormente sperato me contento.'
Fear we broadsides? No, let the fiend give fire.
Give me some sack; and, sweetheart, lie thou there.
[Laying down his sword]
Come we to full points here, and are etceteras nothings?

Falstaff
Pistol, I would be quiet.

Pistol
Sweet knight, I kiss thy neaf. What! we have seen the
stars.

Doll Tearsheet
For God's sake thrust him down stairs; I cannot endure
fustian rascal.

Pistol
Thrust him down stairs! Know we not Galloway nags?

Falstaff
Quoit him down, Bardolph, like a shove-groat
Nay, an 'a do nothing but speak nothing, 'a shall be nothing
here.

Bardolph
Come, get you down stairs.

Pistol
What! shall we have incision? Shall we imbrue?
[Snatching up his sword]
Then death rock me asleep, abridge my doleful days!
Why, then, let grievous, ghastly, gaping wounds
Untwine the Sisters Three! Come, Atropos, I say!

Hostess Quickly
Here's goodly stuff toward!

Falstaff
Give me my rapier, boy.

Doll Tearsheet
I pray thee, Jack, I pray thee, do not draw.

Falstaff
Get you down stairs.

Hostess Quickly
Here's a goodly tumult! I'll forswear keeping house
I'll be in these tirrits and frights. So; murder, I warrant
Alas, alas! put up your naked weapons, put up your naked

Doll Tearsheet
I pray thee, Jack, be quiet; the rascal's gone. Ah, you
whoreson little valiant villain, you!

Hostess Quickly
Are you not hurt i' th' groin? Methought 'a made a
thrust at your belly.

Falstaff
Have you turn'd him out a doors?

Bardolph
Yea, sir. The rascal's drunk. You have hurt him, sir,
th' shoulder.

Falstaff
A rascal! to brave me!

Doll Tearsheet
Ah, you sweet little rogue, you! Alas, poor ape, how thou
sweat'st! Come, let me wipe thy face. Come on, you whoreson
chops. Ah, rogue! i' faith, I love thee. Thou art as valorous
Hector of Troy, worth five of Agamemnon, and ten times better
than the Nine Worthies. Ah, villain!

Falstaff
A rascally slave! I will toss the rogue in a blanket.

Doll Tearsheet
Do, an thou dar'st for thy heart. An thou dost, I'll
thee between a pair of sheets.

Page
The music is come, sir.

Falstaff
Let them play. Play, sirs. Sit on my knee, Don. A
bragging slave! The rogue fled from me like quick-silver.

Doll Tearsheet
I' faith, and thou follow'dst him like a church. Thou
whoreson little tidy Bartholomew boar-pig, when wilt thou
fighting a days and foining a nights, and begin to patch up
old body for heaven?
Enter, behind, PRINCE HENRY and POINS disguised as drawers

Falstaff
Peace, good Doll! Do not speak like a death's-head;
not bid me remember mine end.

Doll Tearsheet
Sirrah, what humour's the Prince of?

Falstaff
A good shallow young fellow. 'A would have made a
pantler; 'a would ha' chipp'd bread well.

Doll Tearsheet
They say Poins has a good wit.

Falstaff
He a good wit! hang him, baboon! His wit's as thick
Tewksbury mustard; there's no more conceit in him than is in
mallet.

Doll Tearsheet
Why does the Prince love him so, then?

Falstaff
Because their legs are both of a bigness, and 'a
quoits well, and eats conger and fennel, and drinks off
ends for flap-dragons, and rides the wild mare with the boys,
jumps upon join'd-stools, and swears with a good grace, and
his boots very smooth, like unto the sign of the Leg, and
no bate with telling of discreet stories; and such other
faculties 'a has, that show a weak mind and an able body, for
which the Prince admits him. For the Prince himself is such
another; the weight of a hair will turn the scales between
avoirdupois.

Henry V
Would not this nave of a wheel have his ears cut off?

Edward Poins
Let's beat him before his whore.

Henry V
Look whe'er the wither'd elder hath not his poll claw'd
like a parrot.

Edward Poins
Is it not strange that desire should so many years
performance?

Falstaff
Kiss me, Doll.

Henry V
Saturn and Venus this year in conjunction! What says
almanac to that?

Edward Poins
And look whether the fiery Trigon, his man, be not
to his master's old tables, his note-book, his

Falstaff
Thou dost give me flattering busses.

Doll Tearsheet
By my troth, I kiss thee with a most constant heart.

Falstaff
I am old, I am old.

Doll Tearsheet
I love thee better than I love e'er a scurvy young boy of
them all.

Falstaff
What stuff wilt have a kirtle of? I shall receive
Thursday. Shalt have a cap to-morrow. A merry song, come. 'A
grows late; we'll to bed. Thou't forget me when I am gone.

Doll Tearsheet
By my troth, thou't set me a-weeping, an thou say'st so.
Prove that ever I dress myself handsome till thy return.
hearken a' th' end.

Falstaff
Some sack, Francis.

Henry V
[with POINS:] Anon, anon, sir. [Advancing]

Falstaff
Ha! a bastard son of the King's? And art thou not
his brother?

Henry V
Why, thou globe of sinful continents, what a life dost
lead!

Falstaff
A better than thou. I am a gentleman: thou art a

Henry V
Very true, sir, and I come to draw you out by the ears.

Hostess Quickly
O, the Lord preserve thy Grace! By my troth, welcome
London. Now the Lord bless that sweet face of thine. O Jesu, are you come from Wales?

Falstaff
Thou whoreson mad compound of majesty, by this light
flesh and corrupt blood, thou art welcome.

Doll Tearsheet
How, you fat fool! I scorn you.

Edward Poins
My lord, he will drive you out of your revenge and turn
to a merriment, if you take not the heat.

Henry V
YOU whoreson candle-mine, you, how vilely did you speak
me even now before this honest, virtuous, civil gentlewoman!

Hostess Quickly
God's blessing of your good heart! and so she is, by
troth.

Falstaff
Didst thou hear me?

Henry V
Yea; and you knew me, as you did when you ran away by
Gadshill. You knew I was at your back, and spoke it on
try my patience.

Falstaff
No, no, no; not so; I did not think thou wast within
hearing.

Henry V
I shall drive you then to confess the wilful abuse, and
then I know how to handle you.

Falstaff
No abuse, Hal, o' mine honour; no abuse.

Henry V
Not to dispraise me, and call me pander, and
bread-chipper, and I know not what!

Falstaff
No abuse, Hal.

Edward Poins
No abuse!

Falstaff
No abuse, Ned, i' th' world; honest Ned, none. I
disprais'd him before the wicked--that the wicked might not
in love with thee; in which doing, I have done the part of a
careful friend and a true subject; and thy father is to give
thanks for it. No abuse, Hal; none, Ned, none; no, faith,
none.

Henry V
See now, whether pure fear and entire cowardice doth
make thee wrong this virtuous gentlewoman to close with us?
she of the wicked? Is thine hostess here of the wicked? Or is
boy of the wicked? Or honest Bardolph, whose zeal burns in
nose, of the wicked?

Edward Poins
Answer, thou dead elm, answer.

Falstaff
The fiend hath prick'd down Bardolph irrecoverable;
his face is Lucifer's privy-kitchen, where he doth nothing
roast malt-worms. For the boy--there is a good angel about
but the devil outbids him too.

Henry V
For the women?

Falstaff
For one of them--she's in hell already, and burns
souls. For th' other--I owe her money; and whether she be
for that, I know not.

Hostess Quickly
No, I warrant you.

Falstaff
No, I think thou art not; I think thou art quit for
Marry, there is another indictment upon thee for suffering
to be eaten in thy house, contrary to the law; for the which
think thou wilt howl.

Hostess Quickly
All vict'lers do so. What's a joint of mutton or two
whole Lent?

Henry V
You, gentlewoman--

Doll Tearsheet
What says your Grace?

Falstaff
His Grace says that which his flesh rebels against.

Hostess Quickly
Who knocks so loud at door? Look to th' door there,
Francis.

Henry V
Peto, how now! What news?

Peto
The King your father is at Westminster;
And there are twenty weak and wearied posts
Come from the north; and as I came along
I met and overtook a dozen captains,
Bare-headed, sweating, knocking at the taverns,
And asking every one for Sir John Falstaff.

Henry V
By heaven, Poins, I feel me much to blame
So idly to profane the precious time,
When tempest of commotion, like the south,
Borne with black vapour, doth begin to melt
And drop upon our bare unarmed heads.
Give me my sword and cloak. Falstaff, good night.

Falstaff
Now comes in the sweetest morsel of the night, and we
must hence, and leave it unpick'd. [Knocking within] More
knocking at the door!
[Re-enter BARDOLPH]
How now! What's the matter?

Bardolph
You must away to court, sir, presently;
A dozen captains stay at door for you.

Falstaff
[To the PAGE]. Pay the musicians, sirrah.--Farewell,
hostess; farewell, Doll. You see, my good wenches, how men of
merit are sought after; the undeserver may sleep, when the
action is call'd on. Farewell, good wenches. If I be not sent
away post, I will see you again ere I go.

Doll Tearsheet
I cannot speak. If my heart be not ready to burst!
Well, sweet Jack, have a care of thyself.

Falstaff
Farewell, farewell.

Hostess Quickly
Well, fare thee well. I have known thee these
years, come peascod-time; but an honester and truer-hearted

Bardolph
[Within] Mistress Tearsheet!

Hostess Quickly
What's the matter?

Bardolph
[Within] Bid Mistress Tearsheet come to my master.

Hostess Quickly
O, run Doll, run, run, good Come. [To BARDOLPH] She
comes blubber'd.--Yea, will you come, Doll? Exeunt

© Copyright 2017-2022 Shakespeare Network - Maximianno Cobra - All rights reserved.

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© Copyright 2017-2022 Shakespeare Network - Maximianno Cobra - All rights reserved.