Twelfth Night; or, What You Will (1601)

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Online Critical Edition in Progress - Version 1.b.
Date variant: 1599
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Act IV, Scene 1

Before OLIVIA's house.

Feste
Will you make me believe that I am not sent for you?

Sebastian
Go to, go to, thou art a foolish fellow:
Let me be clear of thee.

Feste
Well held out, i' faith! No, I do not know you; nor
I am not sent to you by my lady, to bid you come
speak with her; nor your name is not Master Cesario;
nor this is not my nose neither. Nothing that is so is so.

Sebastian
I prithee, vent thy folly somewhere else: Thou
know'st not me.

Feste
Vent my folly! he has heard that word of some
great man and now applies it to a fool. Vent my
folly! I am afraid this great lubber, the world,
will prove a cockney. I prithee now, ungird thy
strangeness and tell me what I shall vent to my
lady: shall I vent to her that thou art coming?

Sebastian
I prithee, foolish Greek, depart from me: There's
money for thee: if you tarry longer, I shall give
worse payment.

Feste
By my troth, thou hast an open hand. These wise men
that give fools money get themselves a good
report--after fourteen years' purchase.

Sir Andrew Aguecheek
Now, sir, have I met you again? there's for you.

Sebastian
Why, there's for thee, and there, and there. Are all
the people mad?

Sir Toby Belch
Hold, sir, or I'll throw your dagger o'er the house.

Feste
This will I tell my lady straight: I would not be
in some of your coats for two pence.

Sir Toby Belch
Come on, sir; hold.

Sir Andrew Aguecheek
Nay, let him alone: I'll go another way to work
with him; I'll have an action of battery against
him, if there be any law in Illyria: though I
struck him first, yet it's no matter for that.

Sebastian
Let go thy hand.

Sir Toby Belch
Come, sir, I will not let you go. Come, my young
soldier, put up your iron: you are well fleshed; come on.

Sebastian
I will be free from thee. What wouldst thou now? If
thou darest tempt me further, draw thy sword.

Sir Toby Belch
What, what? Nay, then I must have an ounce or two
of this malapert blood from you.

Olivia
Hold, Toby; on thy life I charge thee, hold!

Olivia
Will it be ever thus? Ungracious wretch,
Fit for the mountains and the barbarous caves,
Where manners ne'er were preach'd! out of my sight!
Be not offended, dear Cesario.
Rudesby, be gone!
[Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH, SIR ANDREW, and FABIAN]
I prithee, gentle friend,
Let thy fair wisdom, not thy passion, sway
In this uncivil and thou unjust extent
Against thy peace. Go with me to my house,
And hear thou there how many fruitless pranks
This ruffian hath botch'd up, that thou thereby
Mayst smile at this: thou shalt not choose but go:
Do not deny. Beshrew his soul for me,
He started one poor heart of mine in thee.

Sebastian
What relish is in this? how runs the stream?
Or I am mad, or else this is a dream:
Let fancy still my sense in Lethe steep;
If it be thus to dream, still let me sleep!

Olivia
Nay, come, I prithee; would thou'ldst be ruled by me!

Sebastian
Madam, I will.

Olivia
O, say so, and so be!

Act IV, Scene 2

OLIVIA's house.

Maria
Nay, I prithee, put on this gown and this beard;
make him believe thou art Sir Topas the curate: do
it quickly; I'll call Sir Toby the whilst.

Feste
Well, I'll put it on, and I will dissemble myself
in't; and I would I were the first that ever
dissembled in such a gown. I am not tall enough to
become the function well, nor lean enough to be
thought a good student; but to be said an honest man
and a good housekeeper goes as fairly as to say a
careful man and a great scholar. The competitors enter.

Sir Toby Belch
Jove bless thee, master Parson.

Feste
Bonos dies, Sir Toby: for, as the old hermit of
Prague, that never saw pen and ink, very wittily
said to a niece of King Gorboduc, 'That that is is;'
so I, being Master Parson, am Master Parson; for,
what is 'that' but 'that,' and 'is' but 'is'?

Sir Toby Belch
To him, Sir Topas.

Feste
What, ho, I say! peace in this prison!

Sir Toby Belch
The knave counterfeits well; a good knave.

Malvolio
[Within] Who calls there?

Feste
Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio
the lunatic.

Malvolio
Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady.

Feste
Out, hyperbolical fiend! how vexest thou this man!
talkest thou nothing but of ladies?

Sir Toby Belch
Well said, Master Parson.

Malvolio
Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged: good Sir
Topas, do not think I am mad: they have laid me
here in hideous darkness.

Feste
Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the most
modest terms; for I am one of those gentle ones
that will use the devil himself with courtesy:
sayest thou that house is dark?

Malvolio
As hell, Sir Topas.

Feste
Why it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes,
and the clearstores toward the south north are as
lustrous as ebony; and yet complainest thou of
obstruction?

Malvolio
I am not mad, Sir Topas: I say to you, this house is dark.

Feste
Madman, thou errest: I say, there is no darkness
but ignorance; in which thou art more puzzled than
the Egyptians in their fog.

Malvolio
I say, this house is as dark as ignorance, though
ignorance were as dark as hell; and I say, there
was never man thus abused. I am no more mad than you
are: make the trial of it in any constant question.

Feste
What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wild fowl?

Malvolio
That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird.

Feste
What thinkest thou of his opinion?

Malvolio
I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion.

Feste
Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness:
thou shalt hold the opinion of Pythagoras ere I will
allow of thy wits, and fear to kill a woodcock, lest
thou dispossess the soul of thy grandam. Fare thee well.

Malvolio
Sir Topas, Sir Topas!

Sir Toby Belch
My most exquisite Sir Topas!

Feste
Nay, I am for all waters.

Maria
Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and
gown: he sees thee not.

Sir Toby Belch
To him in thine own voice, and bring me word how
thou findest him: I would we were well rid of this
knavery. If he may be conveniently delivered, I
would he were, for I am now so far in offence with
my niece that I cannot pursue with any safety this
sport to the upshot. Come by and by to my chamber.

Feste
[Singing]
'Hey, Robin, jolly Robin,
Tell me how thy lady does.'

Feste
'My lady is unkind, perdy.'

Feste
'Alas, why is she so?'

Malvolio
Fool, I say!

Feste
'She loves another'--Who calls, ha?

Malvolio
Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my
hand, help me to a candle, and pen, ink and paper:
as I am a gentleman, I will live to be thankful to
thee for't.

Feste
Master Malvolio?

Malvolio
Ay, good fool.

Feste
Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?

Malvolio
Fool, there was never a man so notoriously abused: I
am as well in my wits, fool, as thou art.

Feste
But as well? then you are mad indeed, if you be no
better in your wits than a fool.

Malvolio
They have here propertied me; keep me in darkness,
send ministers to me, asses, and do all they can to
face me out of my wits.

Feste
Advise you what you say; the minister is here.
Malvolio, Malvolio, thy wits the heavens restore!
endeavour thyself to sleep, and leave thy vain
bibble babble.

Malvolio
Sir Topas!

Feste
Maintain no words with him, good fellow. Who, I,
sir? not I, sir. God be wi' you, good Sir Topas.
Merry, amen. I will, sir, I will.

Malvolio
Fool, fool, fool, I say!

Feste
Alas, sir, be patient. What say you sir? I am
shent for speaking to you.

Malvolio
Good fool, help me to some light and some paper: I
tell thee, I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria.

Feste
Well-a-day that you were, sir

Malvolio
By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper and
light; and convey what I will set down to my lady:
it shall advantage thee more than ever the bearing
of letter did.

Feste
I will help you to't. But tell me true, are you
not mad indeed? or do you but counterfeit?

Malvolio
Believe me, I am not; I tell thee true.

Feste
Nay, I'll ne'er believe a madman till I see his
brains. I will fetch you light and paper and ink.

Malvolio
Fool, I'll requite it in the highest degree: I
prithee, be gone.

Feste
[Singing]
I am gone, sir,
And anon, sir,
I'll be with you again,
In a trice,
Like to the old Vice,
Your need to sustain;
Who, with dagger of lath,
In his rage and his wrath,
Cries, ah, ha! to the devil:
Like a mad lad,
Pare thy nails, dad;
Adieu, good man devil.

Act IV, Scene 3

OLIVIA's garden.

Sebastian
This is the air; that is the glorious sun;
This pearl she gave me, I do feel't and see't;
And though 'tis wonder that enwraps me thus,
Yet 'tis not madness. Where's Antonio, then?
I could not find him at the Elephant:
Yet there he was; and there I found this credit,
That he did range the town to seek me out.
His counsel now might do me golden service;
For though my soul disputes well with my sense,
That this may be some error, but no madness,
Yet doth this accident and flood of fortune
So far exceed all instance, all discourse,
That I am ready to distrust mine eyes
And wrangle with my reason that persuades me
To any other trust but that I am mad
Or else the lady's mad; yet, if 'twere so,
She could not sway her house, command her followers,
Take and give back affairs and their dispatch
With such a smooth, discreet and stable bearing
As I perceive she does: there's something in't
That is deceiveable. But here the lady comes.

Olivia
Blame not this haste of mine. If you mean well,
Now go with me and with this holy man
Into the chantry by: there, before him,
And underneath that consecrated roof,
Plight me the full assurance of your faith;
That my most jealous and too doubtful soul
May live at peace. He shall conceal it
Whiles you are willing it shall come to note,
What time we will our celebration keep
According to my birth. What do you say?

Sebastian
I'll follow this good man, and go with you;
And, having sworn truth, ever will be true.

Olivia
Then lead the way, good father; and heavens so shine,
That they may fairly note this act of mine!

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